We’re holding an intervention for my cousin today. He’s not addicted to anything, he just sucks.

me: h-

person who wasn't allowed to watch spongebob as a kid: i wasn't allowed to watch spongebob as a kid

When a fact checker fact checks me I like to do an even bigger fact

The internet keeps trying to show me things

there's something to be said about playing naked leap frog in the parking lot of target at 2 in the afternoon. i don't know what it is, but there is something to be said about it

My wife has never approved of a single one of my girlfriends

I think it’s okay to spank children. Not because it builds their character or anything, I just think it’s neat.

I’ve decided to no longer be ashamed of who I am or what I’ve done, but that didn’t impress the parole board

Why do I keep getting DMs asking me to stop sending dick pics? Like respect my privacy, damn

Taunting a small child with my man-ceps (man biceps)

People who wear windbreakers smell like farts.

me: “sometimes i feel disrespected”

my wife: “not now while I’m fucking Greg”

WW3 is trending. I guess mom found my poop sock.

Giving myself a handjob while screaming “GAY”

i should quit twitter and locate my children

'PENISES?! HERE?!' - guy who's never been to the penis store

Accidentally wiped my ass with a different ass, NOW IM DOUBLE POOPY

in high school i said i couldnt run a mile and the gym coach said that when he was in high school he fucked my mother up the ass in a janitors closet

Tying a balloon around my penis and going for a jog

just had the best diarrhea