I know I’m late to the party on this one but FOOD IS REALLY GOOD

#TheFarSide

I don't mind sitting in the cuck chair as it gives me more time to practice my french horn

Yelling at my friend Terry for being named Terry

I actually did lose my virginity to a couch and it annoys me that I can’t bring it up without someone mentioning the vice president. I say I banged a couch and some asshole goes “oh, like J.D. Vance?” No, like ME, motherfucker. He’s not the only person who ever fucked a couch.

sending strangers a picture of your dick? harassment sending strangers a picture of your father's dick? the single most important thing you will ever do

Just glad Gwyneth Paltrows birthing years are over. I don’t want to pay $135 for a placented candle

My friend Douglas can’t stop farting so we’re all calling him Fart Douglas

so i am in the Epstein files but just as some weird guy nobody liked, with numerous emails mentioning that i was not to be invited to any parties.

Hey remember when Denis Leary used to sing “I’m an Asshole?” He really was.

given the recent revelation that adolf hitler apparently had a micro penis, i've been seeing a lot of slander on the timeline toward micro penis havers i'd just like to say that, hitler is not going to see your hateful comments -- but your friends with tiny penises will

*sexting* Hahaha! Gross

Said the word butt today and everyone got mad

Me: *shaking the door knob trying to open door* Babe? Babe? What’re u doing in there? U: *pooping and wiping faster* Me: I just wanna love you *squeezing my fingers underneath the door* U: *panicking, screaming, shitting, sweating*

Kinda silly making all these “throat goat” comments when we don’t even know if he was any good at it

Pouring warm Fresca on my genitals in remembrance of the last time I did this

A knight, disappointingly putting his helmet back on: “There was no glory at this hole. There was only a penis.”

If a President ever tried to suck my dick I’d be so patriotic about it

You were so easy to mute

“Fee-fi-fo-fun!”