College humanities: You know all the stuff that you were dark and broody about in high school and adults said you were being too dramatic? Well here are all the greatest minds being dark and broody about the same stuff, oh and most did not handle it nearly as well as you did.

The urge hits on the way to work. With a deafening squeal you swing the car around and head the wrong way down the freeway, screeching to a halt in front of your childhood home. You barely get your pants down before eggs spew everywhere and you collapse, lifeless, on the porch.

Bus stop do you smoke he looks like a strung out Billy Eichner hollow eyes yellow jagged teeth no sorry on the bus a ragged cough he gets off at your stop duck into 7-11 same cough from the cooler run home elevator doors open his eyes glowing coals going down yes it would seem so

Teeth are scary but also no teeth are scary? There is no way to reconcile teeth with existence.

Some say there is a kotp inside us all and it is not your kotp or my kotp but the true kotp. This is a lie of course. There's nothing inside you and the true kotp is crouched behind you preparing to sink its teeth between your cervical vertebrae.

Fumbling for the Tums in the dark my fingers alight upon something round and slimy. For a moment I fear that some madman has left peeled grapes on my nightstand, but I turn on the light and see they are just eyeballs. Thank you Eyeball Fairy, I whisper, I needed a midnight snack.

What am you doing step bro?

Wife: Who's at the door? Me: It's just The Entity Wife: The Entity? At this hour? Me: Yeah, It's just dropping off the flyers for the bake sale. Wife: I thought we picked those up last week The Entity: *emotes* Me[choking back tears]: There were some *sniff* last-minute revisions

hi can i get an iced latte with breast milk i mean breast milk i mean breast milk sorry i mean breast milk i mean breast milk i mean

onlyfans couples' lives must be wild. she'll be looking at her watch like "ok babe, i have an appointment to suck you off at 2:30, and then we need to be banging on the kitchen table by 5:15"

My favorite Twitter bios are the ones that look like this. Job Title. Former Job Title. Marital Status. Pet Owner. Brief sentence about believes. Incomprehensible hashtag. Incomprehensible hashtag. Sarcastic AF. 🇱🇷 Wrong flag emojis 🇱🇷.

*Resets timer to week 1* TIME FOR A NEW GAME+ BITCHES

Not gonna lie, he had me in the first half but I feel like his wife's Spidey senses were on high alert for a reason. 😒

IT'S THE LAST THEROPOD THURSDAY! Folks, it's time for me to close up shop here. Thanks to everyone who has participated over the years. It's been a lot of fun. If you have any interest in Mastodon please check out the instance I run at beige.party NOW SEND TWEETS!!!

Food $200 Data $150 Rent $800 Candles $3,600 Utility $150 someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

sky always bet on eggs

You bump a hidden switch. The fireplace slides away, revealing the twisted forms of my unfinished drafts. You turn to run but I'm behind you

My biggest fear about death is that I'll be too busy dying to maintain a suitably philosophical attitude about it.

Do you enjoy long stretches of boredom interspersed with intense bursts of fear, dread, and disappointment? If so, ask your supernatural deity if life is right for you.