And for my next act, watch me crash a SpaceX rocket into a Tesla.

Turned down some guaranteed sex tonight. That was a subtle masturbation joke.

My Better Than Ezra cover band is better than Better Than Ezra.

"My band used to open up for Rage Against the Machine but I don't think they liked us". "Really, what's your band's name?" "The Machine"

No one looked good in the 70's except for Farrah Fawcett in that one poster.

To be fair, 95% of NFL players don't beat their loved ones unmercifully.

I'm old enough to remember when people paid for U2 albums instead of googling how to delete them off the new iPhone.

Told my neighbor to get back on the horse after he failed at quitting heroin.

Deleted Instagram. It's just easier to look down at my cat or up at the sky.

My only problem with Boardwalk Empire is the prosthetic teeth they stuck into the actors playing young Nucky.

Great. Now all the hipsters in Williamsburg get to brag about how they got Ebola before everyone else.

."Sorry I haven't been tweeting much lately" is a the most unnecessary apology ever.

t's funny how as a kid you can't wait to be an adult and as an adult you can't wait for the sweet release that death will bring.

Local grocery store shelves are bare. Prepared to kill and eat my neighbors if need be. Looking at you, Stephanie.#blizzardof2015

Ever get unfollowed by someone you couldn't wait to unfollow back?

My friends keep arguing for a trip to Amsterdam. I keep arguing that we can just as easily get weed and hookers right here in Brooklyn.

Note to self - Save time by whacking off in the confessional booth