my kids are at the age where they’re starting to ask why I have so many penis tattoos

if more people weren’t judgmental pricks this world would be a better place

Girls who post pictures of their dogs, only do missionary.

It’s called Labor Day because it’s hard work hiding from your family all weekend.

Lots of guys tell her she’s pretty. Be different. Kidnap her.

Just met a 2 yr old named Bob and just had to tell someone

A relationship where I rub his back and he breaks mine 😌

me: *turns 50 also me: *puts sound systems in all our vehicles and home, because I can

I know I joke a lot here, but I’m very capable of showing depth. Especially in my throat

Getting road head on a bicycle

Many men fantasize about murdering me because I’m so handsome

Only queen I acknowledge is dairy

The way my dogs look at me when I eat is the same way I looked at my drug dealer when I was out of money

Welcome to twitter, some broke chick selling nudes to afford her monster energy drink & marijuana habit will be along shortly to call you a broke ass motherfucker for not buying them

did you spill eggnog in your panties, or you just happy to see me?

Guys, boycott gray sweatpant season. Know your worth, kings!

women are lucky. y’all can piss the bed and just say you squirted, and people accept it

The best thing about being a man IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I wish I had a vagina

I’m at a dance for 7 year olds so yes I am drunk at 6;49pm, so what ho -me to my wife

The sexiest thing a woman can do is tell me why my mom hates me so much