Dems keep pointing fingers over these wildfires. Fine, it was my fault. I had one of those “California Burritos” and wreaked havoc on my Red Roof Inn toilet. Place went up in flames!.

Crushing a couple IPAs watching the Baltimore Ravens and my bitch ex wife has the audacity to ask for a ride to the bar! Dumb broad didn’t even let me keep the dog! #ICantWin #BitchExWife

Hell, I’m a guy and my water breaks damn near every time he walks in my house! Especially when he brings a bottle of Angels Envy! 😂

So drunk I’m actually washing my hands! Still forgot to wipe tho !. 😂

Mr. Marten Luter King, gracias for letting me drink much is cervezas on this Sunday evening. #HazyIPA #BitchExWife

Couple of the Day #CTESPN

Just ripped ass so hard in a meeting that the skinny dweeb next to me started coughing. GenZ, amirite? #BitchExWife #PassinGas

Ghost wipes.

Why CAN’T you put a ZYN patch on the sleeve of your 13u jerseys? Just because my players can’t legally buy them doesn’t mean they can’t use them. Our batting average has jumped since I forced my kids to start Zynning during games. Grow up. Give credit where it’s due. #BeElite

About to build a fkn dinosaur with these bones from 50 cent wings #Sue #IrritableBowelSyndrome

My 11 year old nephew is now ripping lines off his Star Wars bed sheets, and I can confidently say that I’ve never been more proud of him #NoseNachos

Fellas, what’s better? Ripping Snot Rockets in the shower or using a Dude Wipe to ensure a clean asshole after shitting? Please #reply in comments. #WipingAss #BattlePass

I leave the skid marks after I shit so I could disintegrate them with my hot stream of piss #TargetPractice #ChrisKyle

This LSU-Arkansas Little Rock Home plate ump looks like he just took a hit of his DMT pen before the game. Strike Zones a soup can

I am a corporate machine that turns ugly construction plans into pretty construction plans

First time celebrating 4th of July in a communist state #California. Wtf is a “smooth” zyn? My T levels are at an all time low