Shout out to strip clubs for the constant reminder my penis is not a 10 foot long steel pole

I will never apologize for any of the sick burns I hollered at the hunchback as he was chased out of town with his fire safety equipment.

This actress is probably the most beautiful non-union woman in the entire world.

Just had a 10 min conversation w/ my Subway Sandwich Artist re: his crumbling engagement to the woman he loves. #SupportLocalSandwichArtists

Anyone who says they listen to more jazz at work than me is a bold-faced liar.

Its high time I got off my ass and wrote a grandiose piece of English literature about man's relationship to the wild and untameable sea.

Scottman: 1 Discarded Diaper In The Middle of Bay St.: 0 #ScottmanVsTheStreetDiapers

Forks Club For Men Submission No. 0001

Two things I learned about Kid Cudi today: 1. Kid Cudi and I both share the first name "Scott". 2. Kid Cudi is riddled with mental disease.

Jeffrey "Trending Topic" Dahmer

We have been Leafs fans since childhood. We watch games together often. When folks say "bandwagon", we pretend we don't know what that means

Met my spouse while collaborating on a Google Sheet.

I feel like Pablo when I fuck up rapping the next part of that line

Bullshit how work can fire u for spending hundreds of paid hours just reading wikipedia pages about defunct shortwave radio numbers stations

Just for the record, I've been hating women/minorities & loving my money/hairstyle for this entire time & I'm not trying to blend in at all.

Choke me with the rust belt. Give me tetanus so I can die.

Willing to exchange every penny of US currency I have for as many bars of gold as possible. DM for more info.

Worst part is trying to quantify how many hours Hillary spent working on her Dab in vain.

My submission for The Workplace Noose Tying Awareness Challenge. I nominate @RylRG, John Cockshutt and Wolf Blitzer.

Not good enough at identifying images of gas stations to be allowed access to the Spotify web player