Don’t let anyone trivialize crying over spilled milk. Crying is the most reasonable response. If I spill another drop of that liquid gold, @MaddyinMilford might set this whole house on fire.

Dear Surf Bagel, The new Milford, Delaware location is great. Now, for the love of yeasted wheat, please consider coming to downtown Dover. Local fans of bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches desperately need you. You’re welcome to stay with @MaddyinMilford and I until you find a place.

With the rise of AI, will humanity finally put aside its differences and accept that all these spooky ass “ghost caught in 4k” videos have always been fake?

Kinda surprised it took me 16 days to get here tbh

My wife anytime someone hands her an apple that’s not a honeycrisp.

My wife, having cried her way thru the many traumatic birth scenes in House of Dragon just weeks before giving birth, now holding our sleeping 3 wk old daughter in her lap: “You want to watch the first episode of Last of Us?” Jfc HBO, why you do us like this?

Some personal news: Having checked for the 1,647th time today, my daughter is in fact just sleeping.

“Fabric softener is a scam!”

For the children, they mark, and the children, they know The place where the sidewalk ends. (Spoiler: It’s Schutte Park. The sidewalk ends in Schutte Park.)

We did it, folks. Five weeks and six days into parenthood and my wife and I finally bathed on the same day.

What it’s like to own chickens in one screenshot

I don’t know who needs to hear this but there are no onions in Funyuns.

Things they don’t tell you about parenthood: Having a baby will dramatically increase the number of strangers who knock on your door for ABSOLUTELY NO GODDAMN REASON!!!!

Men in their 40s: I don’t use TikTok because I’m not a child. Also men in their 40s: Check out this hilarious video! (Uses Facebook Messenger to send a 6 month old TikTok that’s been uploaded as an Instagram reel)

I’ve officially reached the stage of parenthood where The Happy Song is playing in your head on a 24-hour continuous loop. Through the valleys and the hills, away we go.

Deeply unserious company we’re dealing with over here.

February used to be a proper month.

#newjerseydrone youtu.be/ASWO43n3QkQ

My 2-year-old at the doctor’s office youtu.be/K1cVup7rZuA