Eating pickles straight out of the jar is self care.

It’s important to remember that not everyone appreciates sarcasm. Just kidding, who cares.

yelling YES CHEF to every question the mcdonalds woman asks me

I'm sorry, exactly what part of my Kabuki mask says 'commence small talk'?

The bottom shelves of grocery stores are the work of Satan.

Carbo loading for a run I probably won’t even do just to be safe

I like my burgers how I like my men: Beefy, cheesy and with extra pickles.

haha, you’re right, how come some people are all, like, “i only have 3 more payments until my house is paid off,” & i’m all, like, “today is the 3rd anniversary of me being 17 months behind on my jet ski payments.”

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

Breakfast for dinner. Morning at night. Switching things up. Somehow makes right.

Baby did a bad bad thang. Cool song but when you're rocking it out with earbuds your coworkers give you the most peculiar looks.

Good people are not hard to find once you stop giving attention to bad ones.

If you grew up eating Kid Cuisine's, you are mentally ill now. Blame the penguin.

you gotta hold me extra tight at night cause i’ll take off to go eat

This cool evening air has breathed new life into my soul.

Why are you, a man, not bringing me a dr pepper and then leaving me alone

Dreading the day Moo Deng grabs a child.

I primarily fast and work out for the Lowes self-checkout camera.

But have you tried eating a cheeseburger about it? -Me, as a therapist.

I'm rarely mad enough to give a dirty look, but sometimes I narrow my eyes. That way, everyone knows I'm medium mad.