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Welcome to your 40s. You now hate everyone equally.

Telling people to go fuck themselves and other random acts of kindness.

I call my Roku “Prof. Henry Higgins” — it insists my voice commands are enunciated well beyond my station.

Hey, shut up. You’re just a penguin, you can’t tell me what to do.

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

The meaning of opaque is unclear.

twerking in the parking lot to someone else’s car alarm until they turn it off

Finally made top 5 hottest people in this dollar store.

People be like "bear with me" & they don't even have a bear with them. Liars😒

If you love her, you better fuckin’ tell her.

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

if you’re gonna drive me crazy… do it in all the best ways, will ya

My sex tape is just me trying to undo the zip on my dress when drunk and then doing a little victory wiggle as it finally falls to the floor!

In a world of wet blankets, be a ball of fire.

Stoked about the extended warranty on my avocados

“E pluribus unum” is Latin for “Out of many, comfortably numb.”

I won’t kill you with kindness but I will tell you to go fuck yourself.

I’m not a mean person but I do play one on the internet.

Let's role play - let's pretend we're still in our late 20s and have a modicum of optimism about the future.

i know for a fact that i have been passed up for several jobs because i believe wrestling