"we're gonna leave it there...here at america's most uplifting, positive thinking, lumpy-cumming podcast"

It's good karma. You're gaying it forward.

"I can't believe a regular listener to my program can't conjugate the word cum correctly in a call" - to a caller who said she 'cummed'

"no one who reads Cosmo actually has sex" - in rant against Cosmo

"Cosmo is written by an infinite number of chimps who've never had sex" - more anti-Cosmo ranting

"different political parties, equally loathsome human beings" - talking about james carville and mary matalin

"men are horny & sometimes we just need to get the spunk out of our nuts so that we can concentrate on breakfast" - on morning masturbation

"leave the lesbians alone!" - to a very straight woman who wants a one time thing with a lesbian

"you don't give up the goat unless you're a bisexual beastiality dude; you give up the ghost" - to a guy who said he "gave up the goat"

"you're too scared to buy a vibrator, but not too scared to press an electric shaver into your crotch?" - to a sexpert

"who needs a 9 inch butt plug to start out with?" - calle, who wants to buy her first butt plug but thinks big ones are too big

Sex and the Long-Term Relationship (from NY Times): http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/03/22/sex-and-the-long-term-relationship/

"who gets a hard-on during kwanzaa?? nobody" - on how the holidays are not sexy

"tastes are subjective - I don't wanna be lookist" - trying to be PC

"who needs a 9 inch butt plug to start out with?" - female caller, who wants to buy a first butt plug and thinks big ones are too big

"i have seen people injured by flying butt plugs" - on why small butt plugs are bad

"i've always had a strict policy personally of not putting my dick in something that a cat has peed on"-to caller who's cat peed on sex toy

"that's all vaginal secretions under the clitoral hood" - to a lesbian, telling her to get over it

"when boils are lanced, ugly shit happens"

"life is just a long series of awkward, mortifying, moments, that ends up at the crematorium" - on why awkward moments are not so bad