Your house is not haunted, there's a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

Imagine wanting Christian prayer in schools while opposing free lunches in schools. Imagine a hungry child hearing about Christians opposing them getting a free lunch. Imagine how opposed that child will now be to ever pray at school to a God that would want them to go hungry.

I’d like to talk to whoever decided the school day should be nearly as long as an adult workday, with a lunch break, no other breaks, and then send home with more work. It’s almost as if we’re training kids to be good little workers, with no boundaries. 😐 It’s not healthy.

getting the nice plates out for the holidays

If you take the Bible extremely literally about human sexuality, but not about feeding the hungry, bringing good news to the poor, liberating the oppressed, forgiving debts, bringing health to the sick, or loving your neighbor, please don’t act like you take the Bible seriously.

what bothers me the most about the dog/toddler convo is the, "it's not MY responsibility to make sure your child is safe" and like, sure, you are correct. but that comment reveals the over-boundaried, hyper individualized culture, and it will destroy us if we live that way.

If I built a snowman I’d probably be normal about it. I wouldnt pretend it was Parson Brown or any of that nonsense

There is absolutely no Christmas carol line as unhinged as “the ox and lamb kept time.”

Getting her an engagement ring for Christmas? - predictable - no element of surprise - perhaps, too romantic - not a legal form of ID Getting her a lifetime fishing license for Christmas? - instant shock and awe - will never see it coming - is an official state document

This dog, who was born onto a silk pillow and has only ever known comfort, just growled at me because I only gave him one piece of gourmet cheese.

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant? Person 2: I did Person 1: what’s he like? Person 2: so tender and mild Person 1: what

I think I’m getting old because a guy asked for my snap instead of my number and I immediately caught the ick

I didn't actually *ask* for an AI assistant on every app and website

Hey dude who are you voting for ? The guy with multiple felonies or the genocide committing dementia guy ?

im sorry what do u mean despite being a convicted felon donald trump can still run and win the election???? u can’t even vote as a convicted felon but u can BEEE PRESIDENT?

In the novel Fahrenheit 451, the abolition of reading began with tech companies simplifying books into summaries that you could read in five minutes. Because people no longer engaged with the texts, they forgot how to think. Then came the book-burnings.