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Imagine drunk driving one of these

When the geek bar is bouncing off the microplastics in my brain

this shit is fucking killing me

I was stoned last night when I wrote this and thought it was so funny that I checked to see if it was a popular tweet already done before I tweeted it

it actually is possible to be chopped in a beautiful way. julienned, for example

Ron was best man at a gay wedding you dumb fuck. #HappyPride

I like friends that take beach day seriously. In there early af with a cooler full of sandwiches, fruit, chips & water. Don’t be strolling in at 1pm with nothing but liquor 😭

the madness has overtaken me but we are still on for tuesday

One thing about me is that I’m absolutely going to get the entertainment I’m owed out of the paper sleeve a straw comes in - twirled around my finger - broken into pieces - folded in half over and over again - this is my sandbox and I am god

Me and my husband are real homies call that dawggy style

Real Star Wars heads know that in Shield of Lies (1996) Luke reveals he has memorized the exact number of people he killed on the Death Star and their stations, and that the weight of it stays with him constantly. Loser.

Kristi Noem was quicker to shoot a puppy than to save flood victims.

I can’t fucking prove it but I know in my bones Emilia Clarke has been faking the British accent all these years

My body is a machine that turns delicious food into theatrically rancid burps

Healed my inner child with my niece a little too close to the sun and now we both have tummy problems.

Beautiful day outside. Probably a top 10 summer afternoon. Yes, doesn't get much better than this. I'm gonna watch 3 movies in a row in my apartment with the lights off

If your place of business is too stupid to put a tampon trash can in the stall just know I’m putting that super plus in your pipes.