Just sold all my hair to buy a watch chain for my bf for Christmas. Can’t wait for him to open it! It’s going to be the best Christmas ever

god damn babe we are gonna be late this fucking jingle horse is slow as SHIT

The #FBI wishes everyone a safe and happy holiday season!

apparently my wife is concerned that the devil doesn’t have enough advocates

Good thing they took the blue checks away from the serious journalists and gave them to the angry virgins with eight dollars

IF YOU CANT IMMEDIATELY HEAR THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN UNDER PRESSURE AND ICE ICE BABY THEN YOU DONT DESERVE BOWIE OR QUEEN

frat bro therapist: LET GOOOO

ordering a case of these for next year

From the looks of it he been waiting to whoop a coyote ass 😂😭😭😭

you’re telling me this is the first presbyterian church

I’m fine thanks

you’re telling me a Swiss Army knifed this guy?

my wife would like to speak with this movie’s manager

you're telling me that susan also be anthony?

wow I’m such an idiot this whole time I've been taking surface streets to the Danger Zone

oh wow what an amazing idea

oh NOW you know your abc’s