I defy you to name a better lyricist than T-Pain she made us drinks to drink We drunk 'em, got drunk

This guy at the table next to me has not let his date say more than 3 words every 5 minutes. I cannot stress this enough: a conversation involves two people, and you are definitely not that interesting

Name a worse smell than a Tide To Go pen

Putting a shirt on in the dark is an easy task. Putting a shirt on in the dark, correctly, however is not

To the guy taking off his glasses as he walked out of the bathroom: do you wanna talk about it?

Chaffing season is officially upon us. Stay safe friends

I’m “I just deleted an app because I couldn’t figure out how to get rid of the notification bubble” OCD

I love how yard sales are like take the shit I can’t be bothered to take to the dump. But pay me for it

Two Sundays ago I got stung on the ankle by three yellow jackets mowing the lawn. Yesterday I got stung by a bee on the ear. Is it the magnetic vibe I’m putting out?

If insects could scream would you still kill them?

Things you can say to your kid but no one else: “gosh you’re such a big girl”

Are there electricians that do only fans?

People who FaceTime in public: jerk or massive jerk?

The clearest sign of a serial killer is a person who doesn’t have a designated side of the bed

If Trump is 215 I’m 130

Wyclef’s “Gone Til November” was probably because he was sick of all of the political ads

The smoke alarm battery only dies at 3am

Luckily for the commanders, the bears only play the first halves

Congrats to the Heat for their eventual sweep by Boston.

No one should ever wear a visor. Under any circumstances