When ur little league coach says “quit standing around picking ur butt” what is that meant to evoke? Like pulling poop out of one’s butt? I’d say like pulling at the hairs around the anus but we were too young to have hair around our anus (which was a huge plus for Coach)

They should let u have a dream once in a while when ur dead. I feel like just a dream here or there would make the whole thing wayy chiller. Just like one a week or something

I’m forever curious about the origins of uncanny baby talk in advertising. “Find your happy,” “visualize your tomorrow,” stuff like that. Did it begin with apple’s “Think different” and get worse from there? How did someone come to believe we wanted to hear such grating language?

Thinking about this girl I dated. She was generally pretty tolerant of my nonsense, the drug abuse, the mental illness, the weird shit I said. But she hated when I talked about how Wheatus is actually a good band. She saw me buy 2 Wheatus CDs once and u could tell she was unhappy

Those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it, but those who do know history are like, history buffs so you’d think that they would want more history, too

U can’t fuck ur mom in Maryland, but fucking ur dad is very much on the table 🔥💯

People in old songs were always asking u not to stop the music, or not to stop the beat. Almost like they knew they’re in a song. They would beg u, like Oliver Twist

I woulda been a sick philosopher if I lived in a time where it required no education and u just had to come up with questions like What if u were a butterfly. I woulda come up with 1000 questions like that

The first king of England was named Eggbert. Now, I’m not saying they didn’t eventually figure it out, with all the Williams and Charleses and what have u, but u gotta admit, not a great start to a country. To be like, “This is our champion. Eggbert.”

The biggest compliment u can get as someone who has diarrhea is people thinking that ur peeing. Sort of the diarrhea havers equivalent of being mistaken for ur daughter’s sister. I dream of one day being told something like “Wow, u pee really loud” upon coming out of the bathroom

What is it like? Do the same natural laws apply there? Can we travel to it?

can’t have the site be glitching like this man, its barely worth using when its working correctly

I never cared for John Legend. He’s abusive, racist, and unbearably pretentious. And if we’re being honest Paul McCarthy wrote all the good songs anyway

Every day I get a little older and the world around me grows a little bit dimmer. It’s really starting to feel like my son is going down on me

(Guy who wants to spend as much time as he can with his son while they’re both still young and in good health) iiiiiiiiiii wanna soak up my son

It’s easy to blame urself for the circumstances ur in. It’s a lot tougher to step outside urself and blame someone else, against all odds, when u know all signs point to it being u

Taylor swift was famously born in 1989, so she could have easily gotten into jacking off right around 9/11. Imagine if the first time she touched herself to completion was on 9/11, perhaps even during the attacks