Drinking and eating French fries

you don't get to act as judge judy and executioner

The problem with meal prep is you have to eat the meal that you prepped

getting drunk and laying on the floor next to your dog rules I get why my mom did it all the time

i need to say something and i need you to hear me: the spicy scallion creamcheese at h+h bagel in moynihan train hall is too spicy for me and that's bonkers

if i had a dj boyfriend i would make him practice transitions at gunpoint so he doesn’t embarrass me

Happy AFI day to all in Brooklyn who celebrate (oh!)

Why don’t pop stars write novelty Halloween songs anymore? Sabrina Carpenter crooning about candy corn and goblins while a witch cackles would really hit right now.

BABY EVERY SINGLE MINUTE I'LL BE YOUR HERO AND WIN IT

"I remember halloween"??? yeah me too buddy you ain't special

Bro are you even taking your time on this ride

*if Giles from Buffy was in "I know what you did last summer"* "Buffy, I...I believe a...person of not insignificant importance...is aware of the happenstances of last year 'roundabouts this very time"

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I am a double/triple/quadruple texter. I know it’s not for everyone. I am but a poet, and every text is a stanza.

if this happened on local NYC news eric adams would hold a press conference to talk about merzbow

"we're gonna open an upscale old country buffet in nyc" is not a thing i expected to hear but ok go off

ur tellin me ur glazin that donut

this is really funny please like it