If nurses (and golden retrievers) ruled the world, it would be paradise.

No fair! I wanna see a debate EVERY night!

Econ for Idiots: Think about it. If POTUS controlled gas prices, we would be paying a nickel a gallon the month before elections.

When I meet someone, I forget their first name by the time they're telling me their last.

Chicago's, Cook County's, and America's flags are a' blowin' in the wind above the Daley Plaza outside my office window, and it's funny (thanks Kamala and Tim!) how much more I've been digging the American flag lately. (Chicago's flag's nice too.)

Nasty, vicious animals, when wounded, become nasty, vicious, and reckless animals. The fun has just begun.

Add Trump's love for Laura Loomer to the list of bullets (or nukes) dodged when he's squashed.

Lately, I've had a craving for some barbecued kitty and deep fried doggy. The local places only serve poodle. Fuck that.

~ "I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!" said the jealous 8th grade girl whose boy-crush loves her. And Donald Trump.

Breaking: Other golfer was actual target. Trump pissed.

I just had ice cream for lunch. Nobody stopped me. Being a grownup RULES.

Which actor will play the first guy who gets his balls blown off in "THE GREAT PAGER APOCALYPSE!!!"