A stranger just offered me a puff of marijuana in a McDonald’s parking lot. D.A.R.E. is scripting my life.

Whenever someone comes up to me and says they saw me at a show, my immediate reaction is to apologize.

The Church of Conduction: Go forth in memory of Heat

Be patient. Be kind. People aren’t on this Earth to serve you. Don’t be an asshole. - me when I’m in traffic

TONIGHT ON BEAST! @MalloryNHead! Robert Alan Hall! Chill Brasky! Amanda G Thang! & MORE! Hosted by cyrus is thinking about job & Vincent Zambon! Howlinwolfnola | 8:30p | FREE + $2 🌮’s and Miller High Life 🍺’s

Professor: we’re learning about reflections today Me: when will my reflection show who I am inside

I like to play this game before writing papers for school called “can I still pass if I don’t write this paper?”

I’ve reached my peak

TONIGHT ON BEAST! Bermuda Triangle Deli! @bitchimababy88! Robert Alan Hall! @LeftHannPath! Shannen Bobannin! & MORE! Hosted by @MalloryNHead & Vincent Zambon! Howlinwolfnola | 8:30pm | FREE + $2 🌮’s and Miller High Life 🍺’s

How much I like a band is directly correlated to how closely the singer sings in my vocal range

The best part of moving to a bigger comedy scene is getting to bomb twice a night instead of once

I can’t dance in my dreams because I have bad circadian rhythm

This morning, I sarcastically asked myself what black shirt I was gonna wear today

Don’t ask how I got here, just be glad I came

When a writer asks someone to marry them, do they pro-prose?

I’m gonna open a buffet that goes on and on and call it Eat Cetera

I’ve been denied two hugs today because of Coronavirus. That’s what will kill me

Being smart is knowing how to stop the spread of the virus in the US Being wise is knowing it was never gonna happen

Sixty-nine? More like sixty-nice.

Shout out to the great movies with dumb names because dumb movies used the good names first. I see y’all