It isn't a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of himself by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door. I'm fine by the way.

I visited the Wailing Wall whilst on holiday. I felt like a right fool standing there in my wet gear with a harpoon.

Someone stole my wife's knickers off the clothes line. Not bothered about the underwear but would like the 12 pegs back.

I asked the valuer how much my Paul Daniels memorabilia was worth. He said " not a lot"

"Thank you for calling the kite flying advice centre. Hold the line. Goodbye."

I got home last night to find someone had stolen all the carpets and mats. Police think it was the work of rug addicts.

Does anyone know a cure for excessive ear wax ? If you do , please give me a shout .

Just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table. I know it's original because there a bit of veneer missing.

Apparently, putting alka seltzer into your mouth and walking into Tesco shouting ' the virus has mutated!' is not considered amusing by shoppers or management.

If anyone is looking for a singer for a Wham tribute band; baby, I'm your man.

I see Prince's horticulture business has now successfully grown a little red courgette.

My uncle was caught smuggling fool's gold in a consignment of carob beans. He is now known as the pyrite of the carob bean.

My brother bought 10 hot air balloons. I think he got carried away.

I once had a job as a cleaner in the local glitter factory. It was pretty rubbish.

Really surprised by the Wimbledon singles. Such young and athletic tennis players... you'd think they could get dates.

Would people stop adding me to conversations in DMs. Instant block. Normal service will be resumed shortly.

My flight from Glasgow to Gibraltar has been cancelled. Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Watch until the end