Isn’t it so weird how you can eat salmon all the time for years without problems, and then one day you get salmon and it somehow has 50+ tiny bones in it strategically placed and designed to end your life

You’re telling me a chicken chowed this mein?

#NoContextRobertIDK

My baby boys Ralphie and Mouse had their first acting role in this video. Check it out! 🥳👌

My favourite rappers are the ones that constantly say their own name out loud because it reminds me of growing up watching pokémon :)

I don’t think so! The greatest tragedy of my whole career is that the best theme song I’ve made is for a series that got age restricted 🥲👌

when ur card declines at therapy so they pull up your old wattpad account

this is a real text my mom sent me

I bet $600 on Kansas City earlier today, because if Taylor Swift is going to achieve world domination, I may as well get a few steak dinners out of it

I wish I could’ve been there to see the look on everyone’s faces when the first escalator was invented. The energy in that room must’ve been electrifying

Absolutely disgusting that there’s no “schedule tweet” option on the twitter mobile app. Does El*n not realize that all of my greatest thoughts happen at 1AM WEST COAST TIME (the time of true darkness)?? Get it together tesla man.

W for humanity

I’m cutting it soon, but the fact that the lord allowed my hair to get this emo in 2024 should be concerning to everyone.

At the Korean hair salon and just heard a white customer ask his stylist “have you seen squid game?”

Billion dollar idea: Dreamworks creates the first ever Animated Movie Remake. They re-animate the original Shrek film, with the exact same audio, just re-polished with current technology. Put that in theatres and watch it make $1,000,000,000. You’re welcome, world.

Another legendary text from my mom

How's that harmonica solo coming Plankton?