Stopped watching the Twins today and turned the channel to The Baldwins on TLC. Now there's a guy that knows how to play defense.

Good lord; on behalf of all Minnesota Twins fans out there, maybe bring back some of the blackouts.

To be fair to prosecutors, there's no more fitting way to honor the legacy of a private healthcare CEO than sentencing someone to die.

He grabbed the economy by the pussy.

In honor of the two biggest comebacks this week, I'm naming my pet dire wolf 'Measles'.

Headlining the Comedy Cave in Calgary, AL Sept 8-13. Possibly longer if I'm not allowed back into the country. 🇨🇦🇨🇦🍺🏒

In America, everyone is innocent until proven Hispanic.

Representation matters. Give us a pope that fucks.

At this point he should probably change his name to Kanye South.

It's not fair to compare what's going on in LA to Jan 6th, because what LA is protesting actually happened.

I'd call Trump a fascist but his trains of thought don't run on time.

New special out now on Open Bar Comedy youtu.be/Uk4XOGdPG0Y?si…

The reason Trump hates Iran so much is because their name reads like someone bragging about exercising.

I didn't think I could ever bring myself to root for the Dodgers, but then they took on ICE.

Pretty fitting that the team keeping their workers safe from ICE is called the Dodgers.

Careful with the fireworks today, some of you are losing healthcare soon.

Time to rename it the National Wither Service.

If Trump wants people to forget about Epstein, he's going to have to get actual cocaine back in Coca-Cola.

In honor of Trump, one NFL team has announced it will be changing its name. From now on they'll be known as the Baltimore Ravin' Lunatics. All Pro Lines

I don't know who needs to hear this, but the female Vikings cheerleaders weren't going to sleep with you either.