Ever want to recreate the mediocrity of Subway in the comfort of your own home? Today's your lucky day! Subway®

I just discovered that there are four “Free Willy” movies. Three theatrical releases and one direct to video. Man, that whale either had some really bad luck or just wanted to get caught and freed.

cnn.com/2024/07/19/ent… Aaron Lee Tasjan

Earlier, I complimented a guy dressed in all brown including a brown hat for working late for UPS and he was like “What are you talking about?” It turns out that like he just likes drab clothing. Oh well.

When I watch the ManningCast during MNF with Archie Manning, I feel like I’m witnessing the first 3 stages of CTE all at once. #mnf The Sklar Brothers

Am I too young for Centrum Silver gummy vitamins at age 46, or should I just up my dose of Centrum Kids? They’re both tasty per personal candor.

Do you know what makes me feel old? Realizing that the lead singer of Everclear is 62 and that the lead singer of Cake is 60.

I’ve had a single fly in my place for almost three weeks. I’ve witnessed its entire life from baby fly to middle-aged fly. We spent Thanksgiving together. I’ve tried to kill it countless times, but I’m now rooting for it to make it to Christmas. It’s now my emotional support fly.

Bill Belichick only wants to go back to coaching college because his 24-year old girlfriend misses going to frat parties.

Ever discover a booger in your nose at night and then try to “Memento” yourself thinking backwards about all the people you’ve encountered since you’ve left home? Yeah, me either.

Wanna go halfsies on OJ’s prison jerk mags? Only the pages with white women are stuck together. tmz.com/2024/12/12/oj-…

When you try to look like Santa, but you look like an elf instead.

I can never be authentic if I use the term “my authentic self”.

As seen in Lafayette, Indiana today. Lane Road is a good anonymous porn name. beck bennett

Ryan Day is a great coach and a wonderful dude, but I challenge Ryan Day to a game of Tecmo Super Bowl. I pick the Bengals. Who you got? 🤣

Shane Gillis is what I’d imagine Bert Kreischer sounds like performing standup after just being saved from a carbon monoxide leak.

They need to outlaw the TV ads with alarm sounds in them.