Probably should have just left that man asleep.

When the waitress at Texas Roadhouse brings a new basket of rolls

The cia is putting chemicals in the beer to make me want it every day

I like to throw soy sauce at sad people. Kikkoman while he’s down.

We are heartbroken to announced that our beloved father Brian Wilson has passed away. We are at a loss for words right now. Please respect our privacy at this time as our family grieving. We realize that we are sharing our grief with the world. Love & Mercy

A good first 10 days of our Faroe Islands trip in the village of Sorvagur. Can’t beat 55 degrees every day in June.

[Inside the Mesoamerican Ballgame League] Ernie: "An absolutely shocking upset today as the top-seeded Tenochtitlan Eagles lost to the Tlacopan Jaguars in an action-packed playoff match." Shaq: "Disappointing. Where they goin, Chuck?" Chuck: "Sacrificed to Huitzilopochtli"

Good reminder on a pre-4th of July Thursday.

date: so, what do you do for work? me (mouth full of food): robot child abuse. (swallowing) smack 'em with signs and shit.

Aww man. I probably watched more Cubs games than Tigers games growing up because of WGN and how many games they played in the afternoons right after school. One of my first favorite non-Detroit players.

You just kinda have to laugh.

TWO BLOWN LEADS TONIGHT, SO GLAD THIS TEAM TRADED FOR A BUNCH OF PITCHERS WITH ERAS OVER 5, ITS MY FAVORITE THING EVER

gf says because we got chinese yesterday we can’t get it again today. i don’t think that makes sense . they do it in china all the time

I'm on the toilet n a bugs trying 2 bite me n protesters r screaming outside the hotel,sumpin' bout "Koch brothers"..tryin 2 keep it 2gether

Therapist: What's wrong? Me: If I do the Borat voice once more, I'll be getting a divorce Therapist: And who told you that? Me: *tearfully clears throat*