my dad always used to say "rick, you're fat, gay, and stupid. one day you'll make a living scrubbing toilets. there's nothing wrong with any of that. i love you so much." and those words have always stuck with me. they're what inspired me to become a maid

it's sad how women feel the need to artificially enhance their bodies these days. everywhere i look i see women with fake boobs, fake lips, fake nails, a fake mustache, etc... my wife doesn't buy into that though. her boobs lips and mustache couldn't be more real

here is a quick intro for all my new followers. my name is rick. i live in maine with my wife. my profession is unclear. although i have a wife, my sexuality has been debated. my age is estimated to be somewhere between 62 and 73. little is known about my childhood or education

i usually like to start my day with a cold open. one minute i'm fast asleep, and the next thing i know i'm doing 75 on the highway eating a gogurt

wow. holy jizz. i'm driving on the kangamagus highway and i'm pretty sure a banshee just jumped out of the woods and flew in front of my car. i didn't get a great look so i guess it could have been a deer, or maybe a frog or a moth, but i'm pretty sure it was a banshee. holy jizz

9/10 doctors recommend bullying your dentist

today my nephew Trentonio said he wanted to be a graffiti artist. i told him that's the dumbest idea i've ever heard. i said he should get a real job that actually contributes something to society, like a graffiti mathematician or a graffiti journalist

i always make sure to bring a spool of dental floss with me when i go out to dinner, just in case the waiter doesn't offer any after the meal. i can't tell you how many times this has come in handy. no waiter has ever offered me dental floss

just got home after having gallbladder surgery. it was a complete success and i'm recovering well. i gave the surgeon 5 stars on yelp but he did such a good job i feel like i should have given him a bigger tip

Happy Father's Day to our favorite uncle uncle kracker Have a great day! ❤️

sitting front row at my nephew Goblert's high school graduation, cutting slices off of an apple and throwing them on the ground and then eating just the core

I've called customer service twice and they tell me they don't know what to do.

i wish more people knew that the key to wealth is passive income. simple as that. i figured this out 10 years ago when i was promoted to VP of Customer Relations at Sanders Technologies by my uncle Skip. I realized I could work 1 day a week while still getting a full salary

my wife has been feeding me leftovers for dinner every night for the past 3 weeks. i'm so sick of it. i can't remember the last time she cooked. i don't know where all these leftovers are coming from.

i have 3 bumper stickers on my car: - DOGS > PEOPLE - IF MY DOG COULD TALK, I WOULDN'T NEED A WIFE - I FUCKING HATE MY WIFE if any of these offend you, please let me know. i want to be respectful to everyone

i want to make it absolutely clear that i DO NOT fuck high school girls anymore. i haven't done that since college

watching track and field in the olympics always reminds me of my time as a star athlete in high school. i set a school record in the 1 meter dash that still stands today, and i was a 2x state champion in the low jump. but my favorite event of all was definitely the javelin catch

today my boss caught me looking at pictures of pussies on the internet again. he told me how disappointed he is in me and said i should know better. honestly i see his point. i've been a gynecologists apprentice for 3 years and i'm still not sure what a vigina looks like

my wife is being so fucking stupid tonight. she keeps saying shit like "rick, i'm so wet" and "i need this hole filled now". i must have told her at least 8 times that i will fix the leaky hose tomorrow. why does she need to water her garden at night anyway? what a moron.