I feel like Minecraft would really prefer that I start playing bedrock edition and I’m sick of it

Say what you want, but the only through line between everyone I’ve ever met with a Pontiac Vibe is that they’re all sick af

I honestly can’t tell what’s a meme anymore

12oz Mouse is the greatest tv show ever made and you can fuck off about it

Handsome probably originally meant like you had a lot of hands and then it just got misused too much or something idk maybe not

If you’re not laser focused on the hexagon at Saturn’s North Pole then what tf are you even thinking about?

Alright this is getting ridiculous

Took my daughter to the Statue of Liberty today and she said it was “bigger than my whole daddy” so I guess I still got it.

What if the people who made black mirror used their powers for good?

Soled state technology is crazy cause like are you really telling me that if you bend this metal into the right shape it can think? Get the fuck out of here

Despite what goes on inside of them, comedy clubs seem like remarkably un-funny establishments

Some people think lemurs are monkeys but they’re actually dogs

My favorite thing about Germans is how flabbergasted they get about the gaps in American toilet stalls… not cause you can see through them, cause it’s bad engineering.

My daughter is going through an Aladdin phase and she won’t stop calling Jafar “the gorgeous bad guy”

My 4yo daughter: daddy you’re the best daddy ever Me: thanks baby Her: I’m gonna miss you when I move to my new home

I probably would have been good at coming up with new drugs to make money off of

The kimchi booth ladies are definitely the Mean Girls of my local farmers market. Their kimchi is absolute trash and somehow that seals the deal in the whole thing.

My doctor told me to eat at least 30 grams of fiber per day and I would just like to know one person who does that

“Daddy did you know the whole world is in somebody’s butt?” - my daughter

Is there a way to un-cook my algorithm on here? Or is twitter now just more political bot farm than human