The only reason we can see is that light moves slower than darkness. Light moves in blobs that weigh approximately 3 elephants each and go the exact same speed as a random tumbleweed. These light-tumbleweeds are made of bad ideas and horsemeat and they roll into our eye sockets.

Evolution is random changes in living things that happen for no reason whatsoever. Boom. You're a french fry. Boom. You're a chimpanzee for the third time. Fact.

My legs are not chimparrific. And my head totally lacks chimpiosity. Don't even get me started about my handfeet and foothands. They are the most not chimpilicious things in the world.

When a human sees me, I often drop on all fours and scurry away. If he reports it, he will look like an insane fool.

I have a recurring dream that I'm eating a hippopotamus. All of a sudden, sex explosion.

The only human I fear is Matt Moneymaker. He's just so good at almost finding things that are nearly me. One of these days, he will either find something that is nearly me, or he will almost find me. I wish I was never born.

There is an excitement in the air. YOLO! I will attack the day with much hope and zeal. Let me immediately go forth and hide. To everything in existence: die. Die without knowing I was among you, all ye who will ultimately scatter to the void, oh meaningless accidents of chance.

"He that hideth among the trees, hideth from himself. Because he that hideth discovers not. Unless he discovers himself while hiding, of course. But that's obvious even to havers of dumb brains." - Sasquatch Wisdom

"Time is like the flowing river. The only difference is that, when you put fish in time, they turn into skeletons, and, when you put fish in a river, they swim away. Don't put your fish in either time or the river, if you want to eat it, is what I'm saying." Sasquatch Wisdom

"He shall knoweth your ways as his own and shall knoweth the exact number of maybes that equal a probably. His name shall rhymeth with Shmatt Shmoneyshmaker." Sasquatch Proverb

I don't know if wolves are smarter than dogs. That would be an excellent question for a smartguy chimp with many cherries on top.

Frankenstein was telling me that he doesn't want to die by having an anvil fall out of the sky and clunk him on his flat freaking head. I was like, "That's a smart move on your part. Don't want that to happen." We both agreed to shake hands on how much that made sense.

My foot bottom monkeypads are indestructible. I just stomped a porcupine to death and I didn't feel a thing.

Maybe I have weird taste, but there's something sexy about a silverback gorilla with an upset stomach.

I have created fake Sasquatch hands out of the real hands of a chimpanzee. My fake hands are the best of all fake hands.

I hate myself. Not enough je ne sais quoi. If I had more je ne sais quoi, humans would react to me with more "ooh la la" and less WTF.

I'm jealous of the Yeti. He has an ultra-cool nickname. Can someone invent a cool nickname for ME that is better than "Abominable Snowman"? Please REPLY with ideas.

My foot bottoms are very handsome. I wish my face was made of foot bottoms so I could look like a human.

I don't think I taste very good. When I woke up this morning, wolves were spitting out my flesh and scraping their tongues with their paws.

I'm hairy like a beast, not furry like an animal. This is what keeps me going.