When your five year old gets put in a simple time out….

Not to brag or anything, but I spend 70% of my day walking around my house looking for things that I have set down in strange places

If someone tried to rob me I would simply tell them no

Do I like this or am I just stimulated

Constructive criticism? Just admit you hate me instead

A man’s opinion of the Barbie movie will tell you everything you need to know about his relationship with his mother

I consider myself selfish selfless. Like yes, I will cook everyone dinner even if I’m not eating it. But also, I will only cook things that I like.

Does anyone else get the zoomies before bed? I am a basically a dog

My favorite bit is pretending I think Alex Murdaugh is innocent

If you don’t grow out your toenails then how do you carve your Jack o lanterns ?

Mt. Rushmore

Not to brag or anything, but my passwords were already compromised 😌

I feel like it’s a hard time in America for identity thieves right now.. you’re really gonna randomly assume someone’s credit? in this economy?

I will never be upset with anyone who exaggerates a story to make it more interesting. In fact, thank you for considering my experience as the listener.

One embarrassing thing about me is that I refused to take medication for a couple of years bc I was convinced my anxiety was keeping me alive. Like how will I live if I don’t trouble shoot every possible threat before I leave the house?

I miss the days when my dreams were about having my own water park in the backyard or owning a pet giraffe and not things like me misplacing my keys at work