Forget luxury purses, the truest money flex is being a parent and taking your kids anywhere fun.

When two actors in a romance film actually fall in love and get together in real life, the casting director should automatically get an Oscar. She saw two people and thought “I bet they’d fall in love”

Apparently I’d rather stare at my shoes for 5 minutes than walk out at the same time as my neighbour.

Currently writing a funny tweet and…done! Now save to draft and never post.

Pretty modest considering he has hundreds of millions of dollars #FAST10

When you’re an adult the time to get to your destination depends on traffic. When you’re an adult with a child it depends on number of pinecones on the sidewalk.

If I can’t understand your vanity licence plate is it even vain?

Me: pretty awesome that all the coolest jobs require the least amount of education. We ready? Bungee Cord Guy: you bet amigo!

This better not be a sick beats joke

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength? Me: Sometimes it can be kinda hard but I usually find a way to still make it all about me.

Don’t wanna ruin anyone’s childhood or The Lion King but who is Nalas father?

I don’t know who needs to hear this but I’d rather watch an ad than a tik tok with less than 10 likes.

Just ran a marathon and im half way up my stairs. Think I might make camp for the night and try and summit tomorrow.

Been watching the Euros all week and my 3yr old complained “soccer has soooo many movies” The kid thinks soccer has a cinematic universe. 🤦‍♂️

Last night I slept like a baby. Like a real baby. I cried and shit myself.

Wife was just telling me about a Spanish friend in high school who always had these crazy stories about friends of his who always ended up at Yale and then one day they realized he just had a huge Spanish accent and all his friends went to jail.

On paper mushroom cloud sounds much friendlier than in real life

The first guy ever to run a marathon died but to be fair at the time he didn’t know he was running a marathon.

You know when it’s a beautiful day in a movie or tv show and no one says “what a beautiful day” That messes me up.

[When I ask a colleague how their vacation was] My colleague: