"I'll get gas in the morning is the biggest lie ever told.

Who remember those “keep calm” posts what an era

I’m getting stronger with age. I can now lift $100 worth of groceries with one hand.

TikTok is basically QVC at this point.

animals be 15 minutes old and already know what to do

Part of the problem with the world today is nobody snaps green beans with grandma anymore.

I don't care. Yes I hold grudges. Even if I see you and we're 70 I'm slapping your bingo board off the table.

My wife wanted another dog. I didn't want another dog. So, we compromised and got another dog.

We had a contest at work for the best neckwear. It was a tie.

I bought a book on eBay called "How to scam people on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it hasn't arrived yet.

My kids told me they’re taking me to Chick-fil-A on Father’s Day and I can order anything I want… I’ve never felt so loved.

My friend David lost his ID Now I call him Dav

If you drive slower than me you're a moron but if you drive faster than me you're a maniac.

I saw three different dads in the mall yesterday with a "World's Greatest Dad" T-shirt, so I guess there was a lie told.

Me, travelling to another city because I am too shy to ask the bus driver to stop.

How many carbs are in toothpaste? I think that's my problem.

My happy weight getting a little TOO happy 😩😂

Me every summer: I don't remember it being this hot last summer.

if you think my jokes are bad you should see some of my life choices 🤷

Why did we name it Parmesan cheese and not spaghetti confetti?! It's like we don't even try anymore.