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If I like your tweet, just know that I'm imagining myself as a Care Bear, shooting my tummy heart at the screen until it fills in the heart icon.

I started to take you seriously, then I remembered this is twitter.

The bartender in my favorite pub said I was in there way too much. Which is insulting, I don't get hassled like that by the morning bartender.

I don't expect a soul mate at this point in life. I just want someone I get along with really well, isn't a psycho, has a good job, and can fuck right.

Good morning, all.

I can't believe it's Monday, already.

Happy Monday.

Watching porn *Gross. I don’t see any hand sanitizer*

Gonna start trying new things when I get stressed. Like meditation. And setting fires.

I'm considering taking up this "Day Drinking" thing that you all speak so highly of...

I just want someone to look at me the way I'm looking at this bottle of hand sanitizer.

People who haven’t gained weight during quarantine are psychopaths.

The pharmacy should serve alcohol and snacks while you wait for your prescription.

I don't care what you say. All women are some level of crazy 😏

Cold, but oh so perfect!

Been there, had that. Lol

The Weekend's "Can’t Feel My Face" is my favorite song about getting roofied.