Wife was ringing my phone when i was outside and i'm like why the fuck are you ringing me but i came in and she's like "there's an extra sausage". ABSOLUTELY JUSTIFIED. Call me ANYTIME.

Banking app didn't recognize my face but then I was in the middle of an ugly yawn.

I'm not nagging, guys but make sure to get all your bins emptied before the christmas/ new year bin arrangements. Thanks.

The name of my gang.

Hoping that 2025 is the year that I finally say "gaslighting" in a conversation and feel really clever. (Also understand what it means)

Crushing anxiety about bin collection arrangements.

It's a great time of year if you like being broke👍

Merry fucking cunting christmas.

I did a ham.

Eating a devastating amount of truffles.

Watching neverending story. It's possibly the greatest film ever made.

This horse is useless

Just in case it's the apocalypse again and this is my last tweet.... I'm just doing a shit.

I reckon we've significantly lowered the bar on "breaking news!". Is it breaking news? Is it?

Sooooo if I drink 5 glasses of milk?... apple.news/AayUuTF1jRqekh…

Movie idea... like the one where the guy who ate nothing but mcdonalds for a month. My movie is called "Umbongo" I do nothing but drink umbongo for a month. Like i can eat what i like but if i want to drink a coke or something, I can't. I have to drink umbongo.

Maybe the problem is there isn't ENOUGH batman. What about a spiderman that turns into batman. Something like that.

Finally they put this nazi fucker's frozen brain into a robot. Get ready for Disney hitler+ mother fuckers! DISNEY'S BACK! tiktok.com/@realmousevibe…

Reluctantly photo id'd myself so I can finally watch porn again. Just little old me, Mr. Jenson Benson, watching all the porn.

Penis.