Mom was snorting lines of Tylenol when she was pregnant with me

I need the confidence of a 60 year old white man in an Asian country

My AI girlfriend beats the shit out of me

Darling, my secret ingredient wasn’t cream of chicken soup, it was rohypnol

It’s been three years since any woman has had consensual sex with me

Asking an Arab chick to blow me to smithereens

Stealing everyone’s windshield wipers the night before a blizzard

My gloving routine really turned around my performance appraisal this year

The epipen stuck into the bone when I injected it into my homeboys forehead. Now he’s dying and looks like a stupid unicorn

When I was like 9 I thought my banjo string was a mutant defect that girls would be scared of, and that I needed to cut it off

Throwing out my dishes because I don’t want to clean them

The Israelis keep putting stuff in my sugary drinks that make my toes go numb

I increase shareholder value every day by not burning this fucking place down

I thought Sex Ed was the name of the teacher

Fat bitches always had a Dr’s note in gym class, but I gotta wait 4 months to get an appointment

Getting natural gas scented candles to scare my neighbors

Dying of natural causes (wrapped around a tree)

Telling my coworkers I’ve been having dreams about brutally killing them with the machines in our shop

African immigrants are single handedly holding up the Bluetooth earpiece industry afloat

What if Sex Ed wasn’t a class, but was just a guy named Ed who came to every school to teach high schoolers how to fuck