You wanna come over and push my buttons yes or no

Me: Did you know that Thomas Edison wanted people to say, "Ahoy!" when they answered his new invention, the telephone? Interviewer: I meant questions about the position we're filling.

I’m headed to Home Depot, unshowered with no makeup. So, if you could contact everyone I haven’t seen in 20 years and let them know, because I’m bound to run into one of them looking like this.

*doing shots with my demons

I use filters so you can’t identify me on the street.

Sneaking snacks from home into a movie theater makes me feel alive

Is there anyone out there who has ever finished the bottle of shampoo and the bottle of conditioner at the same exact time.

The lion doesn't concern himself with anything because tonight he's sleeping in the jungle, the mighty jungle. a-weemah-weh a-weemah-weh a-weemah-weh a-weemah-weh a-weemah-weh a-weemah-weh a-weemah-weh a-weemah-weh

Doodling “Mrs. Balki Bartokomous” over and over again in my notebook.

I like to throw soy sauce at sad people. Kikkoman while he’s down.

This is the best reward!! 🌭

Beer me

Tell me about your favorite 90s songs while we eat ice cream cones.

Watching you watching me.

I’m going to say to you what my elementary school gym teacher used to say to me…. I like you….but I don’t like what you’re doing.

Guess what?? It’s raining. Again. 🙄

You’d be surprised at how angry some people get when you say the words, “I hate Disney stuff.”

Imagine blocking me?!?!

I beg your finest fucking pardon?!

My teen has a playlist on his Spotify called, “The Oldies,” And it’s all 90’s music.