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I just feel like life would be so much easier if potatoes were square.

Apparently the amount of time I require to make the mental shift from "These eggs are defective and will not scramble f$#*ing COVID or some $hit" to "I should turn on the stove burner" is five minutes, which is four minutes too long.

One good habit I've been working on during quarantine is protecting my eyes by closing them when I tilt the chip bag into my mouth to get all the crumbs.

Well, it looks like 2020 will go down in history as the year I learned that ConneCticut has three 'c's in it, including one stupid silent one.

Put on some pants I haven’t worn since winter and there’s more...muffining...happening than I remember.

Any food with 'mini' in the name sends a signal to my body to eat 38 of them, feel disgustingly full, then eat another 17.

Twitter feed is a DELIGHT right now.

Does anyone in the legal field know if there's a precedent for getting HP to pay for my rehab when their printer causes my alcoholism?

VETO H.B. 467, Spencer Cox! The right to bodily autonomy is a deeply held and long-recognized human and civil right. It's time to prioritize policy over politics and protect Utahns' civil rights and liberties. #DontMessWithMyHealthcare

If a cat pukes in the night, and there's no one around to hear it, will I still find it on the carpet with my bare feet? YES. YES I WILL.

My friend at Kitchen Witch Broth is so close to funding her project. This is an amazing product. Barnraiser barnraiser.us//projects/kitc…

"We had the worst performance of 2016" - Urban Meyer "Hold my drink....." - Mariah Carey

Karl Rove: "I am the craftiest, most diabolical puppet master to ever advise a president." Steve Bannon: "Hold my beer."

I am an SLC resident, was in the Town Hall mtg, was not paid, nor was anyone else I encountered there. But nice try. Jason Chaffetz

I'm going to raise my own army of kinder, gentler bot structures and I think the Canadians are just the ones for the job.