Let's see if Bruce Jenner stays a Republican once he starts making 77 cents on the dollar.

It's hard to type one handed on the iPhone 6 Plus but easier once you take your other thumb out of your butthole

Cop: Know why I pulled you over? Me: Because I was speeding and smoking a joint? Cop: LOL! No, because I was bullied as a child.

If the #god of the #bible did exist, I'd be leading the rebellion, not falling to my knees in worship #atheist #atheism #GodIsNotGreat

Happy Birthday to everyone's friend, #WillieNelson.

Wearing just my tennis shoes while I masturbate to women's volleyball videos at the kitchen counter is about as athletic as I get.

#ThankYouGod for all the great work you do in Africa taking care of all those starvi... Oh no wait, you don't do you? Never mind. #Atheist

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Great Advice from Bill Murray👍🏼🎯

Was Mateen driven by homophobia? ISIS? Mental illness? Repressed sexuality? Only one thing accommodates them all:

Proud to marry Brian and Joe at my house. Couldn't be happier, two longtime White House staffers, two great guys.

Happy 55th, Barack! A brother to me, a best friend forever.

If Jesus could feed 5,000 with 5 loaves & 2 fish, why can't he produce 11 loaves & 5 fish to feed the 21,000 that die of hunger each day?

Number of confirmed dead after #Harvey: 18 Number of them referenced, mentioned, alluded to by Donald J. Trump on his Texas Ego Trip: 0