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where do you see yourself in 99999999999 years

coworker looked me up & down and said “i wish i had the confidence to wear any old thing to the office”

energy is high but remember jihad is a marathon not a sprint

i read the making of the english working class to impress a grad student i had a crush on in undergrad and when i mentioned it he was like “cover to cover? why?”

what could it possibly mean when the packaging on my cucumbers describes them as “inspired by flavor”. is this an “inspired by a true story” sort of situation

never in my life have i had a boston accent but the old boston guy who runs the corner store on my block is retiring after 40 years and im at the party and just heard myself say “just one donut eileen im watchin my figya”

i’ve often said if i get married i don’t want bridesmaids — in part because i feel so weird about the prospect of picking like my “top 3” friends. but my friend just asked me to be in his wedding party and actually it feels sooooo good to know im a top 3 friend

cool outfit guy at goodwill with finger 100% up nose. my brother refers to this as “aura death”

stop fucking talking like this. stop using this cutesy gotcha language when you’re talking about atrocities.

ice cream place near me calls itself a “microcreamery” … i bet some of you fellas can relate

what a weird type of racist

multiple guys in this bar in full revolutionary war garb doing VERY well with the ladies. just a tip for you guys