“An outie” is no longer about bellybuttons, it’s what I call any day where I go outside.

Ok I may need to revise my list...

I’m Italian and the way British people pronounce the word “pasta” like “pass-ta” is a macroaggression.

Ah, to have 2019 problems.

Apple Designer: AirPods must be the absolute pinnacle of user-friendly design in every possible way. Engineer: What if someone drops the case? Apple Designer: I dunno it shoots open and the pods scatter 25 feet or down the nearest sewage grate. Engineer: On it.

Imagine parkour not even being the worst thing about you.

Ooo I found THE hot new platform for white nationalists. Anything goes, spread the word!

I hope J-Lo is aware of the dark undertones in that song.

Ok someone update our guy on Afghanistan

Today is when Klobuchar texts Biden about opening for him on the road and then never hears back.

Yoga’s been great for my mental health. I now refer to Depression & Anxiety as my Yin and Yang energy.

The most cheerful dream I’ve had in the last year was one where terrorists were holding me hostage in a room that had a fancy cold-cut vending machine.

Let’s bring back the mafia but they only kill people who don’t adequately salt their pasta water.

Me interviewing Prince Harry: “So, were you like...the Jack, or is that just a playing card thing? Sorry, I tried to prep for this by watching ‘The Crown,’ but I couldn’t get into it.”

Ok given Cuomo, Giuliani, DeBlasio, Scaramucci, and Avenatti, I propose we Italians agree to a 3-year ban from politics in exchange for an unproblematic holiday (James Gandolfini Day) and a promise from everyone to stop pronouncing “gnocchi” wrong.

Me doing my favorite thing (talking pasta) with the wonderful Jackie Kashian.

I wonder if people who hated Hitler ever wore Nazi-style hats that said MADE YA LOOK, JEWS ROCK

Hey if u got people in Raleigh, tell em to come out Wed night!

#ThisWeekatGoodnights: Wednesday show with Brian Parise + Chris Porter takes on the weekend! Grab tickets: bit.ly/2N7PhlY