Nothing: The tweet I was about to read:

Nodding while eating my way slowly through the chicken nuggets my kid stopped liking after I got them in bulk

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

i try to talk to strangers on the internet like we are chatting in line at the grocery store together. some of u talk to strangers on the internet like you are having active road rage at all times

“An afternoon matinee will have fewer people and thus lower plague exposure,” I thought cleverly. Youngest: immediately dumps his entire box of m&ms into the cupholder for ease of access. 🤦🏻

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

🔥🧵

best card writing advice I ever read

slept so hard I acquired the scar of a complicated & tragic past

After three repetitions of "May I have your attention please. This train is holding due to single tracking. We are awaiting our turn" the automated voice switched to "this train will move" in a tone that suggested desperation rather than promise.

At the park. A phone rang. The mom answered it, while her child (who had been contentedly playing across the playground) absolutely sprinted over in order to lay across her lap and roar like a dinosaur for the duration of the call.

The only downside to showing my kids the Lord of the Rings movies is they now know exactly how much of my personality is centered around them 😬 I turned on my autumn playlist and Eldest goes “this is all just Lord of the Rings music played by different people”

My father: guards the thermostat like a budgeting dragon Me: teaches my early-rising kid to turn up the heat when they get up to preheat the house for the rest of us

Oh

I had Froot Loops treats for my ninth birthday instead of a cake

Sitting in the dentist waiting room. I complimented someone’s hat, she complimented my hair, then she leaned over and whispered “this is not my favorite place.” “Mine either,” I whispered back, and my silent panic attack subsided in the moment of solidarity.

The villain’s faithful pair of henchmen: