‘£3 for a bit of sourdough? It’s bloody fools gold.’

To checkout assistant when asked if she’d like a bag: ‘Well what do you think? Do I look like I need a bloody bag?’

‘Darling don’t slump like that, you have the posture of a gorilla’

‘So I’ve decided that the theme for the new house is going to be forests.’

‘I think it’s outrageous that in 2019 I’m still being served instant coffee on flights’

‘Don’t get me wrong, I care about the environment and all that but no supermarket is going to convince me to cart around containers like an old camel’

‘Terribly embarrassing but this is my routine for when I’m having a lazy one and end up eating like an utter pig’

‘M&S only stock Epoisse cheese in halves so I came specifically for a full one and now you’re telling me it’s out of stock? Get me the manager.’

‘A million for the entire apartment? Wait... it isn’t affordable housing, is it?’

‘I don’t know what he’s getting me for Christmas, but unless it comes in a brown box and has Louis Vuitton written all over it, I’m not interested.’

‘Mummy, best not buy that, Aunt Sicily said sauvignon blanc is for common people.’

‘If Tom proposes to me at Christmas, my god, I would feel so humiliated. Out in the open for all and sundry to gawp.’

‘Darling, peanuts...?’ ‘For the squirrels dear’ ‘Oh, you are good’

‘Well if it wasn’t for Ocado jumping ship, I wouldn’t be stood here, queuing and moving at the speed of a tortoise. I am furious.’

‘I’m going to end up single, in an apartment by myself being terrorised by cats at this rate.’

‘I honestly don’t see the appeal in Love Island. Absolutely feral behaviour.’

Mum to her two kids (aged around 7): ‘What type of bread would you like to dip into your mussels?’ Via. Michael Banks