If Bobby Flay ever goes into professional wrestling, his finisher should definitely be "The Umami Bomb".

I can't wait until we're all standing at the Southern US border, looking at Banksy's wall of obnoxiously red hats & laughing about all this.

I'm not saying that I'm better than Ted Nugent, but I am saying that one of us has masturbated to Timothy McVeigh far less than the other.

For those lazy youngsters looking for career advice, there's no profession with looser quality control than giving haircuts to little boys.

I just found out this whole controversy thing isn't about a statue of David Lee Roth and now I'm confused again.

My life would be much easier if my acquaintances name checked themselves as often as rappers do.

It's embarrassing when I accidentally text a cat pic to the wrong person, but whatever. I don't care if people know how my wife & I sext.

Sometimes I get so lonely that I wish I was a cannibal so I wouldn't have to eat alone.

Be the crazy ass security camera footage you want to see in the world.

The best part of the eventual reveal that all DNA websites are just a giant police sting will be when everyone still believes their results.

Yesterday was National Boss Day. Thank fuck you forgot to put it in your boss’ calendar so they’ll never know you missed it.

I may not have kids but I once drunkenly crawled several blocks while carrying a sub in my mouth gentler than any lioness with her cub.

Thanks for the pick Mrs Tunmer. I feel like Prom King again. I was an only child & didn’t go to a big home school, so I got to be Queen too!

#FF Mrs Tunmer who helped me out of a legal jam even though technically there’s no law against impersonating a police officer's girlfriend.

Thanks for the trophy juice vanzany! I have just the spot picked out on the mantle for my ashes & this distracted from the inevitable for a sec.

#FF juice vanzany. She rescued me during Hipster Hurricane Asher, which was notable, but never got very big, so you probably never heard of it.

Jeff Sessions must be excited it’s almost Christmas since it means he can ditch this AG nonsense & go back to spying on kids from his shelf.

This seems like the appropriate time to reveal that I once saw Dave Matthews lewdly proposition a plain vanilla sundae in an Idaho Denny’s.

Sorry I’ve been away. I had myself voluntarily committed after realizing how easily vampire snakes could blend in with regular snakes.

As I grow older, I sure do cry along to Beck’s Loser a lot more than I used to.