Oliver Smiff (@oliversmiff) 's Twitter Profile
Oliver Smiff

@oliversmiff

I'm not sure which Beatles record is my favourite, but if you put a gun to my head, I would probably shit myself. instagram.com/oliversmiff

ID: 120201975

linkhttps://favstar.fm/users/OliverSmiff/month calendar_today05-03-2010 19:38:39

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Oliver Smiff (@oliversmiff) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I can't wait until we're all standing at the Southern US border, looking at Banksy's wall of obnoxiously red hats & laughing about all this.

Oliver Smiff (@oliversmiff) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I'm not saying that I'm better than Ted Nugent, but I am saying that one of us has masturbated to Timothy McVeigh far less than the other.

Oliver Smiff (@oliversmiff) 's Twitter Profile Photo

For those lazy youngsters looking for career advice, there's no profession with looser quality control than giving haircuts to little boys.

Oliver Smiff (@oliversmiff) 's Twitter Profile Photo

It's embarrassing when I accidentally text a cat pic to the wrong person, but whatever. I don't care if people know how my wife & I sext.

It's embarrassing when I accidentally text a cat pic to the wrong person, but whatever. I don't care if people know how my wife & I sext.
Oliver Smiff (@oliversmiff) 's Twitter Profile Photo

The best part of the eventual reveal that all DNA websites are just a giant police sting will be when everyone still believes their results.

Oliver Smiff (@oliversmiff) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Yesterday was National Boss Day. Thank fuck you forgot to put it in your boss’ calendar so they’ll never know you missed it.

Oliver Smiff (@oliversmiff) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I may not have kids but I once drunkenly crawled several blocks while carrying a sub in my mouth gentler than any lioness with her cub.

Oliver Smiff (@oliversmiff) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Thanks for the pick Mrs Tunmer. I feel like Prom King again. I was an only child & didn’t go to a big home school, so I got to be Queen too!

Oliver Smiff (@oliversmiff) 's Twitter Profile Photo

#FF Mrs Tunmer who helped me out of a legal jam even though technically there’s no law against impersonating a police officer's girlfriend.

Oliver Smiff (@oliversmiff) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Thanks for the trophy juice vanzany! I have just the spot picked out on the mantle for my ashes & this distracted from the inevitable for a sec.

Oliver Smiff (@oliversmiff) 's Twitter Profile Photo

#FF juice vanzany. She rescued me during Hipster Hurricane Asher, which was notable, but never got very big, so you probably never heard of it.

Oliver Smiff (@oliversmiff) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Jeff Sessions must be excited it’s almost Christmas since it means he can ditch this AG nonsense & go back to spying on kids from his shelf.

Oliver Smiff (@oliversmiff) 's Twitter Profile Photo

This seems like the appropriate time to reveal that I once saw Dave Matthews lewdly proposition a plain vanilla sundae in an Idaho Denny’s.

Oliver Smiff (@oliversmiff) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Sorry I’ve been away. I had myself voluntarily committed after realizing how easily vampire snakes could blend in with regular snakes.