"I came up with the idea for Twitter about 20 years ago, but it was for fax machines. You're welcome."

"There's a chance that Dave Matthews is my son."

"A 'gall bladder' is just something doctors make up to charge you more money. Yeah, remove my *wallet* while you're down there!"

"I like to think of myself as an attractive, straight Harrison Ford."

"Anthropology? Why study my ancient ancestors when we can just study the primitive races like Eskimos or Italians."

“Why would anyone take Cosmetology? I can teach them how to be a prostitute for free.” // #NBCCommunity

"I used to have a mirror on this ceiling, but it fell on me after I punched it."

"Look at us, living together, driving together. We're like Batman and Shaft!"

"Jewish people wear yarmulkes because it's half a hat. It saves money."

"I'll show you the tool that's most important to our survival… but fair warning, it's my penis."

"Kids are like dogs. If you want them to obey you, you have to treat them like children."

"Taxes are like yardwork and wedding vows: if you can get away with it, don't do them. If you don't do any, it's called a hat trick."

"If somebody gives you a business card, rip it up in front of them. Show them you're in control."

"If the Mexicans had their way, we'd be using fireworks for currency."

"Turns out my hair stylist was being sarcastic about my turtleneck the other day. It's so hard to tell with those gay accents."

"I had some crazy nicknames back in the 70's, but all those friends died in the 80's."

"Ha! This anthropology book says "erect" all the time. You would think that would get old after a while, but it doesn't!"

"Would your bed be more comfortable if your pillow was shaped like a basketball? Or is that racist?"

"Want to know my secret salsa recipe? Mix mild salsa with hot salsa until you find a happy medium."

"You ever see that James Bond movie where he kissed his brother? Or was that a dream I had?"