Ozzy Osbourne: ALL ABOOOOARD Me: Oh good. Cool. What's this song called, Normal Train. (A bunch of scary guitars and stuff start happening) Me: Uh oh

on the pride parade “boyfriend of bi girlfriend” float with the other guys we’re chopping it up and hanging out. we’re all standing on the float holding a beer and they’re all cheering for us. more than the other floats even

"For their safety we do not reveal the names of our colleagues in Gaza." Guess why this is? Because Israel will murder them immediately. And these actions are supported and enabled by the British government who fund the BBC.

I have to have to HAVE TO believe that there will someday be a price paid for all this by everyone who aided or in any way supported it. I have to believe that or I will go insane.

Earlier this year, artists Rebecca Xun and Lucia Camacho created a Vape-o-Gotchi. It has a Tamagotchi trapped inside that dies if you stop vaping.

Virgo: Seriously. What’s your problem?

Dear police, calm the fuck down

I’ve accidentally oversold the concept of “goblins” to my toddler. Told him they come out in the dark, now he always wants me to turn off the lights and pretend there are goblins around us. We were at a bbq this weekend and he started trying to get everyone hyped up on goblins…

Conservationists are feeding edible glitter to water voles so they can track the voles’ sparkly poo.

transgender ambulance driver whose pronouns are we/you/we/you/we/you

Reportings of Bigfoot sightings are directly proportional to an area’s black bear population. For every 900 black bears in an area, there will be on average one report of Bigfoot.

Arresting those on the Madleen in international waters is piracy and kidnapping, not that Israel have shown restraint when committing crimes in the past. Demand safety for the crew of the Madleen and for humanitarian aid to enter Gaza, and the end of the bombardment.

I’m no expert on cows but they are nosy as hell. If ur doin something near a cow they’re gonna come look. If there’s a structure near them,they gotta wander in and see what’s goin on in there. I saw a yard sale set up in a barn and all the cows were inside lookin at the stuff.

The absolute craziest thing Quint does in Jaws is take the time to make a little drawing of the Kittner boy getting eaten on the chalkboard in the town meeting

There is a mysterious blob underneath the Pacific Ocean over 200 times as tall as Mount Everest. It’s called ‘Jason’.

If one person says aloud "death to the IDF" and another person says aloud "join the IDF", which one would be more likely to lead to actual loss of life as a direct consequence, do we reckon?

Virgo: You'll have time to reflect on your childhood "Vampires vs. Werewolves" debates when you are bitten by a bat and a wolf.

Virgo: The ghost children will have their revenge.

at the doctor’s office booing all the names being called that aren’t mine

I think any society which will sell you a sandwich and a drink with the words “Do you know those will cost you less if you have a packet of crisps with them?” needs to be defended at all costs.