ocd: someone said something about you that can be interpreted negatively me: oh ocd: here's what we're gonna do. we're gonna imagine them saying that thing every single day, over and over again. we're gonna learn what they said like it's a venerated biblical verse. me: dang

ocd: what if you're attracted to dogs? me: come again? i think i misheard you. ocd: what if you're attracted to dogs? me: i feel very confident in saying that i'm not attracted to dogs. ocd: but you do find them cute, yes? me: yeah... ocd: i rest my case me: what case?!

ocd: that ceiling fan might fall on your head me: no it won't ocd: just google it to be sure me: fine. i'm googling it to prove to you that ceiling fans never, ever fall... me: ...damnit ocd: lol. all bad things can and do happen.

ocd: you made the wrong decision, and now your life is ruined. there's only one thing to do now. me: acceptance? ocd: lol! no. just convince yourself that the choice was not actually wrong. me: but what if it was wrong? ocd: then the cognitive dissonance will destroy you.

ocd: you're very anxious this morning me: yes...thanks to you... ocd: well, your son is watching. he sees you panicking. it'll ruin your relationship with him. me: cool. you know, that makes me more anxious, not less. ocd: guess that's why they call me an anxiety disorder!

ocd: your life will never be the same after today me: duh ocd: but it's your fault: you sent a poorly worded email that will ruin everything me: my stupid email is fully responsible for the evolution of my life going forward? ocd: no. yes. i don't know. go wash your hands.

ocd: you're a loser me: that's not true, and it's not even something i've ever believed, so what's your angle? ocd: you've always been a loser and you always will be a loser me: hmm. when you say it enough times, it does start to feel real. maybe i am a loser... ocd: :P

ocd: don't walk over to the contaminated corner of the room me: what makes it "contaminated"? ocd: funny you should ask, i actually don't remember! me: ...so when will it be "decontaminated"? ocd: i guess never

ocd: time travel me: ? ocd: time travel would eliminate all uncertainty! me: what happens if knowing the future changes the future? ocd: better eliminate free will as well me: we'd know the future but have no free will, buried alive in a life forced upon us? ocd: ya

me: i don't want to care what anyone thinks about me ocd: but you must care! otherwise what's stopping you from running naked through the streets? me: that's the first thing i'll do once i stop caring what people think? run naked in the street? why? ocd: or through the airport

ocd: let's plan the future me: what about enjoying the present? ocd: fuck the present me: interesting priorities

ocd: omg you have a doctor appointment coming up me: your point? ocd: the doctor might tell you that you're dying! me: the doctor might also hand me a floppy disk with a photo of his dog dressed as a hot dog ocd: that seems unlikely me: ...as does your example ocd: touché

ocd: pick that eye crust out of your eye me: who cares? ocd: it just feels wrong to leave it in there me: but seriously, who cares? ocd: look, it's either me or the eye crust. one of us needs to go. me: ...then obviously i'll keep the eye crust ocd: that backfired

ocd: let's start each day with an uncountable set of anxieties that blend together into a general malaise! me: so that's one option. but what if we started the day feeling positive and energized? ocd: have you seen our list of anxieties? you and your loved ones might die today!

ocd: i'm bored. know what that means? me: oh no... ocd: yup. let's fill that space with an onslaught of anxieties. me: can't we just be bored for once?

ocd: you're never listening to people... me: true. i'm often lost in ocd-triggered rumination, so sometimes i can't focus on what people are saying. ocd: ...therefore everyone thinks you're a piece of shit who never listens. me: i'm not sure that's an appropriate conclusion.

ocd: you know how you feel physically uncomfortable right now? me: yeah, i'm hoping to feel better tomorrow ocd: have you considered that you might just be in pain for the rest of your life? me: i hadn't ocd: well, food for thought

ocd: choose that emoji wisely. me: this simple smiley seems pretty harmless... ocd: too harmless, perhaps. a smiley that a serial killer would use, perhaps. me: you know, i'll just hop on the phone to avoid any misunderstandings.

me: that was a nice thanksgiving! ocd: sure, i guess. but did you spend the optimal amount of time with each member of your family? me: i didn't bother calculating... ocd: start calculating. you might find that thanksgiving was deeply suboptimal.

ocd: it's your fault if anyone falls down the stairs me: why? ocd: because they might not know or remember to be careful unless you tell them me: so i'm supposed to stand by the staircase and tell everyone to be careful? in perpetuity? ocd: yes