I just shreked (tried to watch shrek but I shit my pants by accident instead)

(Getting into a cab) the gay porn store… and step on it

My fellow dems, after last night, I implore you to write in Ahmedinejad in November. It is quite literally our only chance at world peace

Yea they be calling them the Houthis. Cause I’m out here like Houthis niggas think they are

Fort Worth Texas this weekend folks, shows July 26-27 at Hyenas. Get tickets here: prekindle.com/event/24251-ni…

Some of yall keep talking about DEI initiatives but what u really need is some DIET initiatives

(Thomas crooks just before pulling the trigger) I don’t care that you broke your elbow

Do u guys think Rogan will be invited into being Ian to promote his special?

I was never more convinced of the fact that the land of Israel belongs to the Black Israelites and no one else than when I found out they got a Philadelphia there

Wait this whole time I thought “the k-hive” meant Jews

Here’s a question for the science community. How much work would it take to give every Chinese person yoda ears

Am I the only one confused by the whole “hawk tuah” girl phenomenon? You gotta “spit on that thing”? What is “that thing”? What the hell is she talking about???

(A mouse answering the phone) squeaking?

If they figure out a way to put fentanyl in the Garfield comics yall might lose me

Shows Sep 19-21 in Irvine, get tickets here folks: improv.com/irvine/comic/n…

If you ask me we could fix all this if we just put the antisemites back in the Warner brothers tower

Shows this weekend in IRVINE, CA September 19-21. I’ll be at Irvine Improv, get tickets here: improv.com/irvine/comic/n…

65 years old, setting an automatic email reply To let coworkers know I’m out of the office with diarrhea