MOST OF YOU ARE DEFINITELY LYING

what are you supposed to do on Sunday nights if you are not on the Amtrak Northeast Regional

are betta fish called betta fish because they are betta than any other fish

I cannot see a therapist because some of the things I do should never be said out loud

I just killed a giant cockroach in my office bathroom and I apologize, 2” is actually REALLY BIG

how do I leave my house 25 minutes ago

Call me Timmy Turner cos it’s fairly odd how i get fuckin treated around here

we should be allowed to send the interns out to get lunch

BREAKING NEWS: intern did not answer the question in his assignment

where would the shareholders be without the value we create

Washington DC is not a real place

I have never been more glad to be dating my ex. I already know what he did to his last girlfriend

1st base: fucking 2nd base: trauma dumping 3rd base: learning their last name 4th base: marriage

JR’s smile is so beautiful i think i need to move to chicago

arlingtonbro’s smile is so beautiful i’m staying in dc

my friend took me to a party where everyone has a mustache and no one is wearing a bra