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The universe is an ongoing explosion. That's where you live. In an explosion. We absolutely don't know what living is. Sometimes atoms just get very haunted. That's us. When an explosion explodes hard enough, dust wakes up and thinks about itself. And tweets about it.

when you’re sharing your screen during a conference call and..

Okay Captain Fingerpaint, it's a 99% survival rate if you get the virus. This doesn't account for the fact that it can have lasting effects on your health. The vaccine is 95% effective at preventing you from getting the virus in the first place. You're dumb. Christian Walker

My coworker pissed me off, so I took a dump and didn't flush and left their business card on the seat.

Anyone else find the idea of birds to be a little too convenient? You're telling me they're just constantly flying around above us, watching what's going on? It's Freemason bullshit. Also NASCAR never went to the Moon.

I know I'll have lived a happy and fulfilling life when 1 or more of these things happen: 1) Have a wikipedia article written about me 2) Be declared an "enemy of the state" 3) End with a positive kill/death ratio

You know how in the original Spider-Man he does that upside down rainy alley kiss thing? What if he just kept going lower and they 69'd?

COVID was a freemason hoax to keep us inside while they changed the batteries in all the birds.

So much traffic today, what is this? Take your car to work day?

"The fuck y'all doing in here?"

That's like me going: "Here's what I will say: Actress Ana de Armas has by no means ruled me out. (And I have not ruled her out)"

Man I am so behind on my child support payments.

You should get an extra point in basketball if you shout something cool when you shoot the ball

Ezra Miller skin in Fortnite?

My Uncle used to make me put anal beads in my ass whenever we played chess, and now I'm just starting to realize that wasn't normal.

I kinda wish I had gotten the OG, limited edition COVID. That's like being able to tell your kids you were at Woodstock.