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If Aaron Rodgers was going to retire, this is how he’d do it. A farewell tour of ass-kissing from owners and HCs, lots of media attention, then off to buy a Tesla franchise. Next year: “Will Aaron Rodgers come out of retirement?”

Hey Bitmoji. How about providing your new avatars with as many options for lip size and shape as you do for nose piercings?

In 1971, as a summer theater apprentice, I was in the chorus of “Annie Get Your Gun.” I am currently singing the entire score from memory while I search my 2000-square-foot house for the toothpaste I bought 3 days ago.

cc: Kathleen Madigan #MamaTermiteKnows

Cc: Kathleen Madigan. Tell Paddles her country needs some golf marshals.

Golf Mounties?

Dude. You gotta get Silvio on there. Johnny Sack is New York. He ain’t Jersey. Get rid of him.

How drunk is Roger Goodell anyway? #NFLDraft2025

Put the cork back in the pinot, Roger. #NFLDraft2025

When they hit the swimsuit competition, I’m out. cc: Kathleen Madigan (Break a leg this weekend!)

Every team in the league passed on Tom Brady 5 times.

Next time, don’t be too cheap to buy your kid a plane ticket.

cc: Kathleen Madigan And Lewis Black is afraid of squirrels on the course.

This is all religion has ever been to Trump and his so-called “Christian” followers: a Halloween costume.

Pro tip: If someone tells you they’re speaking “their truth,” you know they are not speaking “the truth.”

Hey, Kathleen Madigan. Maybe you should get some manifesting tips from Mindy.

Mike Lindell is contesting the results of the Conclave.

💰spent on marketing will never compensate for 💰not spent on content. They’re going to tell themselves this was a huge success when everybody resubscribes next month when “Gilded Age” returns. Then when everybody cancels again, they’ll try something like HBO Rizz. #HBOMAX

Can we please make this happen? MeidasTouch Ben Meiselas 🎤 Brett Meiselas 🇺🇸🦅 #meidasmighty