Three years ago, an eleven year old British school girl put a message in a bottle, and tossed it into the Atlantic Ocean. Well, this week she was astounded to receive a reply from halfway around the world. Sadly, the reply read, "You're eleven? What are you wearing?"

In other news, authorities in Pontiac, Michigan are trying to determine if Dr. Jack Kevorkian was involved with the death of a woman whose body was found in the back of his suicide van. You know... I'm no expert in police work... ... but, uh, YES!

In California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner, said to be scrotum-licking good.

Well, for the second week in a row, Richard Gere's new film "Primal Fear" was number one at the box office. Leaving many Hollywood insiders to wonder, "Hey... uh... you think that gerbil story is true?"

King of Pop Michael Jackson, who collapsed during rehearsals for a concert last week, has been released from the hospital. Doctors say his condition is stable, and continues to improve, although he is still a freak.

Last weekend in Washington, a museum dedicated to broadcast jour... (Norm accidentally burps up some food) AHHHH. The fuck was that? (awkward silence as the audience realizes Norm just said the F word. Then they slowly start cheering) Yes. Ahh-ha. My farewell performance.

In an interview last week, administrator of the F.A.A., David R. Hinson, explained why English is the only language used by pilots around the world. It turns out all the other languages are weird. Can't even hardly understand most of 'em.

Speaking out against the new Pentagon policy, President Clinton has vowed to keep HIV-positive soldiers in the military. Many in Congress had wanted them discharged, arguing that their presence in the armed forces will make our enemies afraid to fight wars with us.

In dramatic testimony this week at his civil trial, O.J. Simpson said he didn't commit suicide only because, quote, "My mother told me you don't go to heaven if you kill yourself." Oddly, his mother did say, quote, "It's okay to kill other people."

In London, British scientists have created a frog embryo without a head. A breakthrough that could lead to the production of headless human clones to provide organs and tissue for transplant. As well as horrific nightmares for the rest of my life.

Singer Willie Nelson, who was arrested recently in Texas for marijuana possession, saw the charges against him dropped this week. A judge ruled the arrest had been illegal, because police had no probable cause to search his car for pot. How 'bout the fact he's Willie Nelson?

Talk show host Ricki Lake was arrested for vandalism after demonstrating against fur. She said wearing fur was "in bad taste." Then, returned to her studio to tape a show entitled "Why Whores Get the Clap."

In a recent interview, tenor Luciano Pavarotti says that he is so in love with his new girlfriend, that he likes to run nude on the beach with her. Read all about this in this month's issue of "Things That Make Me Vomit."

In Norwich, Connecticut, a local museum has made a long overdue effort at racial reconciliation. By returning twenty-one ancient tribal artifacts to the Mohegan Indians. But as for everything else in the country... we'll be keeping that.

The Mafia announced that they will drop their time-honored greeting of gently kissing each other on the cheek this week. But, as for shooting people and stuffing them into the trunks of cars... fullllll steam ahead!

America’s best known atheist, Madalyn Murray O’Hair, is missing, and hasn’t been seen for weeks. Her family is asking everyone to not pray.

This Wednesday, on CBS's "This Morning" program, correspondent Eleanor Mondale went toy shopping with Kato Kaelin. According to producers, it was part of a new segment on the show called "Let's Punish the Audience."

More bad news for O.J. Simpson. This week, a Los Angeles Court ordered him to turn over his Heisman Trophy to the Goldman Family. In addition, the same court may order Simpson to surrender a coffee mug inscribed "World's Greatest Husband."

In aviation news, a new study suggests there might be more survivors of plane crashes if all seats were equipped with airbags. According to the study, this is especially true for plane crashes under fifty miles per hour. ... the other ones, it doesn't do much for.

According to a survey in the new issue of Men's Health Magazine, men are more likely to procrastinate than women. Except, when it comes to having orgasms.