Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day (@normsnljokes) 's Twitter Profile
Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day

@normsnljokes

Need a little hit of Norm every day? Well here you go. These were all actual SNL Weekend Update jokes.

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linkhttp://funny115.com/norm/ calendar_today04-08-2022 14:42:13

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Former President Ronald Reagan is selling his Santa Barbara ranch to the Federal Government, which will turn it into a California State Park. In what can best be described as a sweetheart deal for Reagan, he will get five million dollars for the seven-hundred-acre ranch. AND...

Former President Ronald Reagan is selling his Santa Barbara ranch to the Federal Government, which will turn it into a California State Park.

In what can best be described as a sweetheart deal for Reagan, he will get five million dollars for the seven-hundred-acre ranch.

AND...
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With President Clinton's second inaugural approaching, the tension has turned to what the women will be wearing at the festivities. According to the White House, First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton will wear a gown by Oscar De la Renta. Tipper Gore will appear in a Jennifer

With President Clinton's second inaugural approaching, the tension has turned to what the women will be wearing at the festivities.

According to the White House, First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton will wear a gown by Oscar De la Renta.

Tipper Gore will appear in a Jennifer
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In Sacramento this week, jury selection began in the trial of accused Unabomber Ted Kaczynski, and appears to be moving briskly. In fact, lawyers for the defense had only one question for each prospective juror: "What is your mailing address?"

In Sacramento this week, jury selection began in the trial of accused Unabomber Ted Kaczynski, and appears to be moving briskly.

In fact, lawyers for the defense had only one question for each prospective juror:

"What is your mailing address?"
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Last week, in Arizona, Marine Corps Engineers extended a steel barrier between the United States and Mexico by two and a half miles. It's all part of a plan to make... uh... illegal aliens walk an extra two and a half miles.

Last week, in Arizona, Marine Corps Engineers extended a steel barrier between the United States and Mexico by two and a half miles.

It's all part of a plan to make... uh... illegal aliens walk an extra two and a half miles.
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Now that John F. Kennedy Junior is a married man, who is the world's most eligible bachelor? Well, when reporters asked JFK Junior himself who HE thinks is the world's most eligible bachelor, he said, "Actually, it's still me."

Now that John F. Kennedy Junior is a married man, who is the world's most eligible bachelor? 

Well, when reporters asked JFK Junior himself who HE thinks is the world's most eligible bachelor, he said, "Actually, it's still me."
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Well, O.J. Simpson's lawyers stopped feuding this week finally. The Dream Team - F. Lee Bailey and Robert Shapiro - were able to put aside their differences, and express their admiration for each other. After O.J. threatened to cut their heads off.

Well, O.J. Simpson's lawyers stopped feuding this week finally. The Dream Team - F. Lee Bailey and Robert Shapiro - were able to put aside their differences, and express their admiration for each other. 

After O.J. threatened to cut their heads off.
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In an interview last week, administrator of the F.A.A., David R. Hinson, explained why English is the only language used by pilots around the world. It turns out all the other languages are weird.

In an interview last week, administrator of the F.A.A., David R. Hinson, explained why English is the only language used by pilots around the world.

It turns out all the other languages are weird.
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Native Americans in upstate New York are trying to block plans to build a K-Mart on the site of a Mohican burial ground. In addition, they were upset to learn that sales at this particular K-Mart will be announced, "Attention K-Mart savages."

Native Americans in upstate New York are trying to block plans to build a K-Mart on the site of a Mohican burial ground.

In addition, they were upset to learn that sales at this particular K-Mart will be announced, "Attention K-Mart savages."
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After Space Jam's smash opening last weekend, Michael Jordan's promoters have good reason to turn him into a movie star. Apparently, there is still some money in the world that he hasn't got yet.

After Space Jam's smash opening last weekend, Michael Jordan's promoters have good reason to turn him into a movie star.

Apparently, there is still some money in the world that he hasn't got yet.
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In a highly unusual ruling, the California State Supreme Court declared this week that O.J. Simpson attorney Alan Dershowitz is, quote, "one ugly bastard."

In a highly unusual ruling, the California State Supreme Court declared this week that O.J. Simpson attorney Alan Dershowitz is, quote, "one ugly bastard."
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Our top story tonight, does President Clinton have a bent penis? Well, according to a doctor who examined him last week, the President's genitals are, quote, "completely one hundred percent normal." It should be noted, however, that the doctor who examined him also has a bent

Our top story tonight, does President Clinton have a bent penis?

Well, according to a doctor who examined him last week, the President's genitals are, quote, "completely one hundred percent normal."

It should be noted, however, that the doctor who examined him also has a bent
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In Lexington, North Carolina, the principal of an elementary school has been harshly criticized for a controversial decision to suspend a first grader who kissed a girl in class - on grounds of sexual harassment. Now while this may sound like an overreaction, it should be noted

In Lexington, North Carolina, the principal of an elementary school has been harshly criticized for a controversial decision to suspend a first grader who kissed a girl in class - on grounds of sexual harassment.

Now while this may sound like an overreaction, it should be noted
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Forty-seven year old Adrienne Brown, wife of soul legend James Brown, died suddenly last week. Most shocking of all? She was not killed by James Brown.

Forty-seven year old Adrienne Brown, wife of soul legend James Brown, died suddenly last week. 

Most shocking of all? She was not killed by James Brown.
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In the course of his summation yesterday, Johnnie Cochran brought up Mark Fuhrman. Calling him a, quote, "genocidal racist." And comparing him to Adolf Hitler. Fuhrman later responded: "After all the things he's said about me during this trial, it's a little late to start

In the course of his summation yesterday, Johnnie Cochran brought up Mark Fuhrman. Calling him a, quote, "genocidal racist." And comparing him to Adolf Hitler.

Fuhrman later responded: "After all the things he's said about me during this trial, it's a little late to start