A movie where I wake up and the movie Yesterday doesn’t exist so I write and direct the movie Yesterday

Twitter was created by the Powers That Be to cripple the world by giving people in their 20’s bad ideas and too much confidence

a SodaStream is what I call it when i hit the urinal after both the movie and my large Dr Pepper are complete

imagine you see a photo of your wife on one of those "have sex with horny moms in you area" ads and then you get in an argument because you don't have kids and and she's stealing valor

if you don't support patreon.com/FunnyDinner you are a police officer and i thank u 4 ur service ur honor

any table with stuff on it is a table of contents

Golf sucks because the worse you are at it the longer you have to do it. It's like 3rd grade =(

Why would I need a clawfoot tub? lol What am I a bird?

My landlord said I can't have a cat because they poop inside. But it's like, where does he think I've been going?

My dad just walked in on me masturbating. I keep telling him not to walk around the house while doing it but it's "his house." Ugh.

[this post is for old people] That band the Small Faces should have committed to the bit and set up way in the back of the stage with oversized clothes and big ole wigs.

My pet bird is too depressed to fly which is weird cus I just gave it a big diamond ring for its beak :/

The only time the words "Morrissey" and "Charming Man" are used together is in the song's writing credits! Bazinga!

I prefer the Pull Off method, it's similar to the Pull Out method but there're more harnesses and ropes and pulleys and afterwards you/your partner can pretend like you/they are an airplane or pinata. It makes sex fun!

Smiling and doing the "call me" hand sign to the next person in line as I exit the public restroom

How about a 70's stoner porno duo called Cheeks & Dong?

Hey Mick Jagger, It's been like 60 years and you're a beloved icon of your industry, wealthy, beautiful family, and still relatively healthy. If you STILL can't get any satisfaction it's time to try anti depressants or ketamine therapy or something srsly

"When we all use the same social media we can connect to become powerful enough to reach the heights of those in charge, which will upset the elites and they'll split up everyone into different apps so we never reach that level again." -tech savvy priest on the Tower of Babel

A phone app where Siskel & Ebert tell you if your battery is critically low