me: Ugh, please forgive me, I’m so self-absorbed! I feel like we’ve talked about me and my life for like the whole last hour. How are *you* doing?? my therapist: …

What should we call “working moms” that doesn’t imply stay-at-home moms don’t work? #workingmom #SAHM

For anyone wondering, gin and root beer is an unexpectedly and yet totally predictably floral, earthy, and lovely combo. (And not at all just the only two things I had in the house to mix. 👀)

Apple out there giving us an iPhone 15 when what we really need is an emoji like this 😈 with this halo 😇

him: They're selling pumpkins in the church parking lot. You want orange, or one of those gray ones, or white with- her: Just get me the mf with the girthiest f***ing stem.

Do I cut my own hair? #wolfcut

I am usually into devil-licking-my-back 130° showers but now I max out at 120° should I call my doctor

Proof my website and I’ll proof yours!! And share this so I can get a job. 😘 NoIAmNaomi.com

Testing what image pops up for my site pls ignore tysm NoIAmNaomi.com

Terry Gross is 72 years old which means she is halfway to being 144 which is one gross. I'm rooting for her.

Behind every “Wear Crazy Socks” Day is a “Wash the Crazy Socks By Hand” Night.

them: “It takes a village.” my village:

Is there anything worse than a phantom unread email badge? And you just have to wait for it to clear up like some kind of digital herpes.

A merger between United Airlines and @uhc where the new tagline is, “Yes, there is a doctor on the plane.”

It me. (It us, Mike Duckworth )

This Is Just To Say I don’t want your plums from the icebox don’t you know stone fruit should be stored on the counter? you probably bought them from the grocery store instead of the farmer’s market you pleeb